


Make the Yuletide Gay

by les_lenne



Category: Persona 3
Genre: Angst, Christmas, First Time, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-28
Updated: 2012-04-28
Packaged: 2017-11-04 11:27:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/393293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/les_lenne/pseuds/les_lenne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Akihiko first loses something precious, only to gain two treasures.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make the Yuletide Gay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sighnomore (livejournal)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=sighnomore+%28livejournal%29).



__It could have been any day, really, but it was exactly eight days till Christmas when Mitsuru decided that they should pay Tartarus one last visit, just to see how things were going. She was hoping for improvement, considering what she and Mochizuki had worked on the past days not a ludicrous wish, but the rest of SEES still complained.

 

Mitsuru had surely heard them, but one jerking eyebrow was enough to silence everyone. Even though she had calmed down with the impending doom gone, forcing them to take action every day, Mitsuru was still very much concerned about the Shadows.

Minato didn’t seem half as bothered, but had agreed to the tour the quickest. All other members had only been up to it after his approval.

 

Except Shinjiro.

 

Akihiko watched him with narrowed eyes. It was the same fight Shinji and Mitsuru had had every day since his return from the hospital. Koromaru would scurry under the table whenever Shinji made a fist and yelled at Mitsuru. Ken would flinch visibly and go upstairs.

 

Only the core of SEES was available tonight thanks this.

 

Akihiko sighed and put a hand on Shinji’s shoulder. “Just leave it be. It won’t do you any good to fight. Your wounds aren’t fully healed, and the doc said that you shouldn’t take the psychological effects lightly.”

 

Mitsuru chimed in. “Castor has never been a reliable Persona. Do you think he’ll behave after this?”

 

“He has behaved so far, hasn’t he?”

 

“He hasn’t come out at all, that’s the whole point, Shinjiro!” Mitsuru bit her lips and took a step back. She was close to slapping him, Akihiko mused. “You’re not safe.”

 

“I can fight without his help just fine, thanks.”

 

Mitsuru shook her head. “Castor refuses to appear, you’re still on medication, and your injury is …” She huffed. “It keeps bleeding because you move around too much! What do you think is going to happen if we have to fight? That it will magically seal itself for the duration of our stay in the tower? It won’t.”

 

Akihiko glanced at Shinji. He was shaking by now. Akihiko cupped Shinji’s fists. “Please, Shinjiro. Listen to her. Don’t be an idiot – again.”

 

Shinji ground his teeth, shook Akihiko off and walked over to Koromaru’s hiding place. “Whatever. Don’t come crying when you get hit.”

 

“We won’t,” Mitsuru said and exchanged a quick look with Akihiko, eyebrows creased.

 

Akihiko shrugged. Shinji couldn’t be changed this easily, they both knew that. Mitsuru reacted with much more exasperation though. She had apparently hoped that getting shot would change something, but Akihiko knew that while it had taken away some of Shinji’s prevalent issues, it had deepened others.

 

“Prepare yourself for later, Akihiko,” Mitsuru said and left to presumably get her equipment ready.

 

Akihiko listened for her footsteps on the stairway until he was certain she was out of earshot. Only then did he approach Shinji, who was by now kneeling next to Koromaru and trying to get the dog out from under the table. He took his arm and pulled him up. “Shinji.”

 

“What.”

 

Koromaru sneaked away. Akihiko watched the dog till he, too, was out of sight. They were alone now, and there was something inexplicable in the air. Something that hadn’t been there before the attempted murder. Something that bothered him greatly, but he didn’t dare ask if Shinji felt the same way. He’d probably get a grumble and a glare as an answer anyway.

Akihiko carefully aligned his smile. “Soon we won’t have to fight anymore. What are you going to do then?”

 

The confusion pulled its strings on Shinji’s face, brows disappearing under his hat. “I don’t know.”

 

“Then use tonight to think about that.”

 

“At least let me be Fuuka’s assistant or something.”

 

“Aren’t you tired?” The leaflet of the pills stated that one of their strongest side-effects was fatigue, and the shadows under Shinji’s eyes added up to Akihiko’s suspicions.

 

Shinji groaned. “Yes, I am. So what? I bet she’s tired as well.”

 

“Fuuka hasn’t been comatose for a couple of weeks.” Mitsuru’s discipline concerning her way of dealing with Shinji was astounding. Akihiko really wanted to slap him by now, but he refrained from doing so. It would hardly change Shinji’s mind about the matter. “Ask Minato. And ask Fuuka. I’d say no, but you never listen to me.”

 

“Hmph.”

 

“Don’t ‘hmph’ me. If you want to tag along, get ready.”

 

*

 

Neither Minato’s agreeing to Shinji’s insane idea, nor Mitsuru’s follow-up rage was particularly surprising. Akihiko just stood and listened, and elbowed Shinji whenever he opened his mouth as if to say something. Only when Ken mentioned that the Dark Hour was going to start in a few minutes did Mitsuru set the issue aside. “For now,” as she put it.

 

Shinji rolled his eyes.

 

Akihiko couldn’t help but smile, although he stayed nearby, watching him walk down the steps. Snow had fallen, but then it had melted and the remains were now a thin, slippery sheet of ice. Falling down the stairs wouldn’t do Shinji’s injuries any good. Akihiko had promised the doctor to look after him, and he had also promised it to himself which was slightly more important.

 

It turned out that he shouldn’t have worried. Ken nearly toppled over twice when he didn’t manage to distinguish what was just a heap of melting snow, and what was sidewalk. Akihiko ignored Shinji’s constant grumbling. He was used to it. Mitsuru glanced back at them. That wasn’t a good sign either. She’d probably try to have a talk with Shinji if Minato left her at the base of the tower. Akihiko silently prayed for that not to be the case. He didn’t want a grumpy Shinji – well, not one that was even grumpier than usually.

 

Except for Ken’s little accidents, their way to the tower lacked any disturbances. Akihiko sighed when they arrived at the base and turned around to see Shinji walking over to Fuuka. She looked down and blushed as soon as Shinji spoke to her. Akihiko had never found him to be quite as intimidating as many claimed, but Fuuka probably felt Shinji’s inner turmoil thanks to her Persona’s ability. Couldn’t be pleasant.

 

Minato thankfully chose Mitsuru, as well as Ken and Akihiko himself. He was thankful for the latter as well. He’d spent too many days close to Shinji. The moodiness was beginning to rub off on him. Getting rid of some of the tension would hopefully make things easier.

 

*

 

There were hardly any Shadows left, just as Mochizuki had predicted. They weren’t all that strong either. You had to hit most of them only once, and poof, they were gone. Others still required a few more attacks to go down, but nothing serious. Akihiko couldn’t shake off a distant feeling of uneasiness when they entered the topmost level of Tartarus. Not after what had happened to Strega. He pushed the memories back. That wasn’t too difficult, as a stray Shadow engaged them in a fight.

 

Akihiko dashed next to Ken’s side and waited for Minato’s lethal strike. Even though aimed perfectly, the hit didn’t connect. Their leader pulled a face and produced his Evoker. He didn’t get to use it. The Shadow lunged forward and slapped the gun out of Minato’s grip with one of its dangly hands.

 

Fuuka gasped. “Oh no!” Akihiko pictured her clasping her hands over her mouth.

 

“Shut up, it’s not that bad,” Shinji said. Hopefully no slaps to the head had been directed at Fuuka. Those hurt.

 

Akihiko grinned. The Evoker had distracted the Shadow. It was pushing the gun into its tiny mouth, gnawed on the item and howled when it would neither fit nor break. Akihiko shot forward.

 

“Senpai, don’t! Your attack won’t work on this one!”

 

His mind processed Fuuka’s warning too late. Knives wriggled their way out of the Shadow, shaped like scythes, and rushed south to his extended hands. Red exploded before his eyes. He stumbled back and fell. Mitsuru screamed. Even Minato made a choked sound. Fuuka was crying.

 

“Goddammitaki,” Shinji roared. “What kind of motherfucking idiot are you.”

 

Mitsuru stepped forward and summoned her Persona – the Shadow dissolved a second later. “Weak to ice,” Fuuka quietly confirmed.

 

Akihiko sucked the cold air into his lungs. Red shreds lay scattered on the floor. He slowly looked down. His hands hadn’t taken any damage, but they were completely bare. The Shadow had destroyed his gloves. They were no more than confetti now.

 

“We should stop right here and return to the dorm,” Mitsuru said, then apparently remembered that she wasn’t the leader. “Wouldn’t you agree, Minato-kun?”

 

“Hmm.”

 

Fuuka’s meek voice floated through the icy atmosphere: “There aren’t any other Shadows left. Tartarus… is vacant. And Shinji has left,” she added, just above a whisper.

 

Akihiko had started picking up the remains of his gloves, but dropped them now. He didn’t blame her for not holding him back. She wouldn’t have succeeded – but the fear made his heart beat so hard and fast inside his chest that he thought it would bruise him from the inside.

 

He wasn’t the only one to be alarmed, although the only person rendered immobile out of shock.

 

“What!?” Mitsuru exclaimed. She clenched her fists and took an indecisive step forward.

 

Only Minato was as calm as ever. He pushed his hands into his pockets and went downstairs. He was humming something to himself. When he noticed that no one was following him he turned around. Minato blinked. “Are you two coming?”

 

Akihiko gasped for air and ran past him. He heard Mitsuru crying out his name, but he leapt down the stairs without really looking where he went. How had he managed to hoard all that information? Fuuka wasn’t helping at all. She kept yelling at him that there could still be Shadows waiting around the corner, or something worse, and that he should better wait for Mitsuru and Minato.

 

There was a big problem with that, even though he knew it would have been the rational thing to do. Whatever Shinji was up to, it was probably dangerous and in the worst case lethal (oh God he’d been worried witless while Shinji had lived on the streets) and he would not let that happen, period.

 

He flew past a shrieking Fuuka and ran outside. His vision swam, fresh, cold rain blurring the dark world further. He bumped into something soft. The slick ground caught him off-guard, but a hand grabbed his arm and pulled him up.

 

Akihiko looked up – and sighed in relief. “Shinji. What the hell!” He was completely soaked.

 

Shinji was also scowling. And then suddenly Shinji’s fist connected with Akihiko’s chin. He didn’t fall – Shinji was still holding him – but that made the impact and the pain caused doubly worse. He coughed and spat out blood, his mouth searing from the torn lips.

 

“What was that for!?”

 

“You fucking retard,” Shinji muttered. He let go all of a sudden.

 

Luckily, Akihiko didn’t lose his balance. Neither did he back down. He took a step forward and grabbed Shinji’s collar. “No, you’re the idiot here. You’ll catch a cold like this and you know far too well that your body’s just not ready for that. Idiot!”

 

“You could have died up there. If I had come with you…”

 

“Then what? You think you could have handled that situation?”

 

Shinji hissed. “Just piss off.”

 

“You always say that.” Akihiko withdrew his hand.

 

Shinji straightened his coat and put his hands away. He glanced at the tower. “Where are the others?”

 

“I thought you’d do something stupid.”

 

Shinji snorted. “Fuck, Aki. You’re the stupidest guy I’ve ever met.”

 

Akihiko nodded, desperation and weariness taking over,  putting his hands on his hips. “Let’s go home.”

 

“Don’t want to wait for them?”

 

“I don’t,” Akihiko said and dragged Shinji out of the schoolyard. A proper conversation wasn’t part of the plan, he knew Shinji far too well to even consider that an option, but he needed some time alone with him. To make sure he was alive and nothing could hurt him, most importantly Shinji himself. That had always been the greatest threat.

 

They walked in silence and Akihiko was thankful, for it let his mind work on the conflict he was facing.

 

Okay, so Shinji had reacted like he always did, without putting much thought into his actions. Or was that really the case? No, that was putting it too simply. Sometimes when Akihiko looked into those grayish eyes he wondered if thinking too much was Shinji’s problem and not the other way around.

 

Even now.

 

Akihiko stared at him. Shinji’s shoulders, as always hunched, his mouth a tight line, the muscles in his jaw firm. He never seemed at ease. Akihiko imagined a clockwork underneath the loose-fitted beanie and smiled to himself.

 

Shinji spoke first: “What did you think I’d do?”

 

“I don’t know. That’s what makes it so bad. I have no idea what you’d do. Never have an idea what’s going on. You used to be much more talkative…”

 

“Tch. Yeah, like what? In kindergarten?”

 

Akihiko chuckled. “Not with everyone, but at least with me.”

 

Shinji hummed and shrugged. “Don’t think so.”

 

The dorm was already in sight. Akihiko pulled him to a halt and made him turn around. The rain had stopped and although he did want to force his friend to take a shower immediately, he needed to know that when he woke up tomorrow, Shinji would still be there. He stared at him, worried he might look exactly as pathetic as he felt. He most likely did. Shinji had seen that awful face too often.

 

It still seemed to work.

 

For a second, the muscles in Shinji’s back seemed to relax. He sighed. “Yeah. Come on. It’s kinda cold.”

 

Akihiko wasn’t completely convinced, but it was as much as he could get from him. “Yes.” He managed to get him into the bathroom after a short discussion. Shinji was insufferable sometimes. Always needed to be persuaded to keep himself safe and comparatively sane. Akihiko had lost count long ago of how many times he’d done his best to ensure Shinji’s health.

 

*

 

What Akihiko hadn’t expected from his best friend was that Shinji would be avoiding him for the next few days. It started on the next morning. As always, Akihiko had knocked briefly on Shinji’s door after he’d come back from running, only to find Shinji pushing past him without paying him attention. He went out of his way to avoid letting their bodies touch in any way.

 

Akihiko had just frowned, shrugged, and decided that it was one of Shinji’s phases. He’d had those since kindergarten. Nothing he wasn’t used to. As long as Shinji stayed at the dorm, everything was going to be alright. That’s what he told himself.

 

Over the next few days, Akihiko’s mood turned sour. Shinji ignored him. He wouldn’t answer any questions, he wouldn’t look his way, but he had also had the audacity to agree to a cooking session with Fuuka just to get away from him! That had been by far the worst part.

 

Naturally, Akihiko decided to intervene.

 

He stormed into Shinji’s room immediately after he had heard the door next to his room get shut hard. Shinji dropped the bags he’d been carrying and swiftly pushed them under the bed. It was the first time Shinji deigned him worthy of eye contact in a while.

 

Akihiko’s fury rose. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

“How ‘bout knocking on someone’s door instead of kicking it in?”

 

“Your door is perfectly alright.” He crossed his arms, coming to a halt an inch away from Shinji.

 

Shinji hunched his shoulders and gritted his teeth. He looked away. “Tch.”

 

“Still not going to talk to me?” Akihiko could taste the hurt on his tongue as the words left his mouth. “Why?” He wanted to reach out and touch his arm, but he refrained. With his wry smile and stooping posture Shinji seemed too uncomfortable to let that happen and Akihiko wasn’t going to push.

 

He did wait more or less patiently for a reaction other than Shinji averting his gaze and shrinking in on himself. Akihiko glanced at his watch and back at Shinji. “Dinner will be ready in a while.”

 

“’m not hungry.”

 

“Thought so. Oh wait, we’re having a conversation now?”

 

“Shut up,” he murmured.

 

Akihiko wasn’t about to drop the matter just like that. Even as his mind raced to find words that wouldn’t lead to a fight between the two of them and instead would get something useful out of Shinji, he found himself distracted by Shinji’s bottom lip. It was a bit plumper than the top one and…

 

His face grew hot and took a step back, just to be sure. “I honestly don’t know, Shinji. Are we having an argument that I didn’t notice? Is this still about the stuff that happened the other night?” He cocked his head, but to no avail. Shinji’s eyes didn’t even twitch.

 

Nor did he say anything.

 

Akihiko exhaled slowly. “Okay, so you were worried and you had a point. I admit that?” He leaned forward. Shinji grunted and Akihiko took that as a cue to go on. “I haven’t had the chance to go with them ever since. There’s no reason to act like that.”

 

“Tch.”

 

Well, that’s almost a word. He was getting closer to having a real talk. Now he was determined not to give up that easily. “And I doubt I’ll be able to go with them anytime soon because I don’t have any gloves left.”

 

“And you can’t handle swords for shit,” Shinji muttered.

 

‘Oh thank God,’ Akihiko thought. “Right, and neither bus stop signs.” Teasing could go both ways. Actually, the tension in Shinji’s shoulder seemed to fade a little. “So why are you mad at me again?”

 

His inner self cheered when Shinji turned towards him. He half-expected the light slap to the back of his head and grinned when it connected.

 

“I’m not angry.” His tone was serene. There was no reason not to believe him. Truth be told, Akihiko had rarely heard Shinji’s voice get that soft.

 

Which worried him all the more. So something was off and he couldn’t figure out what it was. Probably, it had something to do with him. Shinji went past him and opened the door.

 

“Dinner,” he said.

 

“That’s all?” Akihiko threw his hands up. “You can’t be serious! You went all the way to the other side of the stairs this morning to get away from me.”

 

“You don’t have to know shit, Aki.”

 

“Well, I think I do.” He went over to Shinji and shut the door with a bang.

 

Shinji blinked and pushed his hands into his pockets. “Meh. Just leave it alone.”

 

“And by it you mean… you?” His eyes prickled unpleasantly. He snorted and looked down. “You know that I can’t.”

 

“I know that you don’t want to because you’re stubborn and dumb.”

 

The insults didn’t register much. “It’s a fucking miracle that you survived. Don’t do this. Don’t make me feel like this again.” He inhaled sharply. “Like I’m on the verge of losing you and I can’t do a damn thing against it because you won’t let me.”

 

Akihiko raised his head in time to see Shinji rolling his eyes. “Drama queen.”

 

“Emperor,” Akihiko said.

 

The chuckle caught him by surprise. But there it was, Shinji’s lips curled up in a small smile. “Touché.” He put his hand on the door handle. “Are we finished?”

 

“No, we aren’t!” He imagined hitting him hard enough to send him flying to the floor, but of course he didn’t. While making sure that Shinji stayed in recovery phase for longer than required sounded tempting at the moment, to keep him from running away, it wasn’t what either of them really needed nor wanted.

 

It was a necessity to talk, though, and that Akihiko was dead sure of. He squeezed himself between Shinji and the door and hooked his arm under the handle. If Shinji tried to push, his arm would be right there to stop him. It would hurt, but it would be worth the pain. Or possibly he was delusional.

 

Fuuka called them. They stared at each other for a moment. Then Shinji yelled that they’d be coming in a minute.

 

“Fucker,” Shinji muttered, walked over to his bed and plopped down on it. He stuffed the single cushion he owned behind his back and gave Akihiko what could only be described as an expectant eyebrow waggle.

 

Akihiko, caught off-guard, slumped against the door. “You’re not angry with me.”

 

“That’s what I told you.” Apparently uninterested in the current conversation, Shinji pulled his beanie off and ruffled his own hair only to try straightening it afterwards. It didn’t work, of course.

 

Akihiko smiled and leaned against the doorframe. “That’s good to know, but you’re behaving strangely.”

 

Shinji shrugged. Akihiko didn’t like it when Shinji shrugged. Nine times out of ten, that only meant he was keeping something a secret that really shouldn’t be one for his own sake. Eight times out of ten, Shinji managed to keep the secret. It had helped tremendously that he had lived on the streets and therefore been largely unavailable. Now Akihiko was determined to make it more difficult for Shinji to slip through his fingers.

 

He tilted his head. “You do admit it, right?”

 

“I might just not be interested in having a fucking boxer puppy following me around all day, getting on my nerves.”

 

Shinji’s tone was unsettlingly harsh. They had always been rough with each other, even during the worst times, but this right there stung. And Shinji had intended for it to sting which was by far the most upsetting part of the Avoidance Problem so far.

 

Shinji wasn’t just preventing any small talk from happening, he isolated himself. Again.

 

Akihiko decided to ask his teammates later if they had the same impression. Probably they hadn’t noticed it as much because Shinji treated them mostly the same, which was not very kindly, but he’d always been willing to help out. Now Shinji only let Fuuka or Koromaru bond with him. In Koromaru’s case, that involved lots of cookies.

 

It could be said, Akihiko admitted to himself, that he was jealous of those two SEES members who had Shinji’s undivided attention. He was his best friend. He deserved at least partial attention and he got none at all. Only when he forced himself on Shinji, which he didn’t like doing, and somehow it had suddenly gotten a requirement to drag him into a corner to make him talk – while they were living in the very same house!

 

Frustration overwhelmed him. He groaned, further annoyed that Shinji kept picking fluff off his beanie instead of answering. Akihiko made his way over to the bed and yanked the hat out of Shinji’s hands.

 

Shinji’s reaction came a second too late. Content with the results, Akihiko waved the beanie high above his head. He glared at Shinji who glared right back, frown deepening with every spin of his favorite accessory.

 

It had been a birthday present. Akihiko hadn’t known what to get him and Mitsuru had suggested “clothing”. He’d seen the beanie and before realizing why, he’d bought it.

 

Ever since, Shinji wore the hat religiously.

 

Akihiko dropped his hand and pressed the beanie to his chest. Shinji reached out to fish for it but it was securely clamped between arm and chest.

 

“If you want to get it back, answer me.” He was getting desperate now, pathetically so. It was a present he’d given to Shinji. Blackmailing him with such an item was unlikely to work. Shinji’s subsequent sneer dropped a cold boulder into Akihiko’s stomach. Akihiko raised his chin and threw the beanie straight at Shinji’s face. “Don’t shun me anymore!”

 

“I’m not shunning.” Shinji arranged the hat neatly on his head.

 

Akihiko felt a smile creep into his scowl and swallowed hard. “You’re not going to tell me what went wrong?”

 

“No. And you know why?” He got up from the bed, putting his hand lightly on Akihiko’s chest to push him backwards. “Because nothing went wrong anywhere.”

 

His hand latched onto Shinji’s so fast he only registered his action when the warmth of Shinji’s fingers and the raw texture of his skin gave him goose bumps. He dug his nails into the back of Shinji’s hand and cast a longing glance at him that was only shared briefly. Shinji averted his eyes again and Akihiko looked down. They stood like that for a moment, and Akihiko cherished every second.

 

Then Aigis’ voice came from the hallway, less robotic than a week before, telling them that their nutrients would be getting cold soon.

 

*

 

It should have been easier to stalk Shinji. He was still in a bad condition and often his movements were sluggish. He slowly went from one shop to the other and then Akihiko lost him. It was a blink-and-miss-it swipe of red coat that burned an imprint into his peripheral vision and Shinji was gone for good. Akihiko turned around the corner. His friend was nowhere in sight and the street was practically littered with stores that Shinji could have entered.

 

Maybe, with a little deduction work, he could figure out which would most likely be piquing Shinji’s interest. He gave up after a minute. There were several shops that sold kitchen items and fresh vegetables, cheap but of high quality if the signs could be trusted, and then there was the pet store with a dozen puppies behind the window glass. Akihiko sighed and sat down on the nearest bench. Next to him was a girl with big glasses with a thick black rim. He smiled back at her when she ogled him. The girl blinked and quickly turned back to her book.

 

He squinted to see if he could guess the title, but with her fingers splayed all over the cover he had only three letters to give him a clue. He didn’t know the author either, so that didn’t help. It wasn’t a Japanese one. Probably he’d never heard of it.

 

He let his eyes wander in search of Shinji. The idiot wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Akihiko sighed and fell back into the bench soundly. The girl next to him jumped. After her rejection he refused to mutter an apology. He ground his teeth and picked the loose ends of his scarf apart as he waited for Shinji to fall into his lap.

 

Not literally, of course.

 

Something distinctly metal and very cold touched his cheek. He shrieked and almost stumbled, getting up too quickly. He slithered over the thin sheet of ice and snow until a hand wound itself around his arm in a vice-like grip. Someone pulled him back onto the sidewalk. Akihiko quietly thanked the person.

 

Then he recognized the coat. The beanie was sitting contentedly on top of Shinji’s head. Akihiko’s jaw dropped.

 

Shinji tilted his head to one side. “The fuck’s up with you. No training?”

 

“I don’t have any gloves,” he said.

 

Shinji rolled his eyes. It seemed like he wanted to add a snide remark, but he just swapped the bag he was carrying from one hand to the other. “What are you doing here anyway?”

 

‘I followed you because you still won’t let me spend time with you and I can’t go to Tartarus or beat the shit out of my teammates!’ – No, that didn’t sound like a good answer, not even in his mind. His cheeks grew hot. He tucked his chin under the scarf and wrinkled his nose to push it higher. “Shopping,” he said.

 

“I thought you said you wanted to save money to buy new gloves?”

 

“Ugh.” Why on earth had he picked such an awful lie? “Yeah. Right. Just looking around, I guess. See what things I can’t buy for the next six months.”

 

“Don’t be a nerd. Boxing gloves aren’t that expensive.”

 

“Well, of course cheap ones aren’t, but they suck.” He pursed his lips which was an okay thing to do with his mouth hidden behind comfy fabric.

 

It felt good to have a conversation again, even if he was starting to freeze. Snowflakes floated down before his eyes, huge and clinging to Shinji’s coat and strands of his uncovered hair. Akihiko caught himself ogling in a timely fashion and nodded his head towards the nearest coffee shop. “Let’s take a shopping break?”

 

“I’ve just started and you don’t shop.” Shinji glanced at his paper bag. It was already halfway soaked through. He groaned. “Fine. You do have enough money to pay for coffee, right?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You should try making origami animals too. Gets you a fine amount of cash.”

 

Akihiko gave the girl on the bench one last look. She was grinning behind the borders of her book. He could read the title now: Alice in Wonderland.

He had heard about that. Minato used the Persona of the same namesake quite often. She was a valuable member of his deck.

 

As they crossed the street he wondered if Shinji’s Persona would change sometime. All of the other SEES member’s Personas had gotten an upgrade. With the paleness of Shinji’s face and the dark circles around his eyes, he probably wasn’t even close to reaching that point.

 

Akihiko just wanted to know if their Personas would make a perfect match again after the change. It was a shallow and kind of creepy reason, but when Pollux had changed, something had been lost and Akihiko hadn’t been able to restore it yet.

 

He held the door open for Shinji who was busy enough handling the bag. Shinji didn’t thank him, but that was fine. They picked a table at the far end of the room and sat down next to each other. The seats were comfortable, but the green leather stung in his eyes.

 

The waiter was way too fast. They hadn’t had the slightest chance to check the menu before the young man arrived, tapping his pen to the small notebook in his hand. Akihiko pushed the menu back into its plastic holder and ordered black coffee and Cappuccino with extra cream.

 

Shinji grumbled beside him as the waiter left. “You don’t have to speak for me.”

 

“Did I order the wrong thing?”

 

“No,” Shinji said and put the bag between his legs.

 

Akihiko suppressed a smirk and pointed at the bag. “What did you buy?”

 

“None of your business.” Shinji kicked the bag further under the table, clicking his heels into its sides to keep it steady. “What did you want to talk about?”

 

“Nothing in particular.” Akihiko snatched one of the sugar cubes from a small green cup and rubbed the crystals apart. “Just wanted to talk to you. See why you’re still acting weird.”

 

Shinji sighed. “This again. Can’t leave me be, huh.”

 

“You’re family. Course I can’t.”

 

“And you don’t have anything better to do.”

 

Akihiko shrugged and dug his thumb nail into the sugar. Hurt, and not in a nice way. He hissed and dropped the cube. “That’s true, but I guess that’s the reason you’re acting the way you do so it’s not like this is hypocritical.”

 

Shinji half-nodded, half-shrugged. A picture on the wall across the room had caught his attention. Its frame was bright green, as the rest of the café’s interior, but the picture itself was very dark with only a few specks of white visible. Akihiko narrowed his eyes.

 

Stars. A photo of a constellation. It took him another moment to figure out what he was looking at, but then he got it. In this case, the picture was upside-down, at least it wasn’t portrayed as he knew those stars to be aligned, but once he tilted it in his mind, he could see Castor and Pollux at the head of the Gemini constellation.

 

His finger brushed Shinji’s hand. Surprisingly, Shinji covered it with his own, twining their pinkies together. Heat rushed through Akihiko’s chest up to his face. He turned around slowly and looked at Shinji who was returning his gaze.

 

Longing crept into his lips and Akihiko leaned forward, covered Shinji’s hand with his own –

 

“Cappuccino is for who?”

 

Akihiko’s head snapped back so fast that his neck cracked. He winced and rubbed the pained area.

 

“It’s for me,” Shinji said and did his best rendition of a death glare.

 

The waiter seemed decidedly unimpressed and put the Cappuccino with extra cream on the table in front of Shinji. He left the black coffee in front of Akihiko and bowed. “Would you like to pay now or later?”

 

“Later,” Akihiko said.

 

The waiter went over to the table next to theirs, with his back towards them. Akihiko exhaled deeply. Shinji’s finger was caressing the back of his hand. The goose bumps on his body couldn’t have been any worse. It raised his hackles right up.

 

He busied himself with his coffee, plummeting the sugar cube from before into the steaming mug. Shinji nipped at the cream of his Cappuccino. Most of it stuck to his upper lip and left a foamy border. Akihiko chuckled and handed him one of the napkins.

 

Shinji muttered a ‘thank you’ and got rid of the cream.

 

More of their fingers interlaced. Akihiko’s mood soared towards the sky. He squeezed Shinji’s hand and didn’t know what to make of it. Nothing could have made him happier after days, almost a week now, without much contact except for rare fist fights when he’d managed to drive Shinji into a corner.

 

This was much better and wouldn’t leave any bruises.

 

The coffee was delicious, too. He sipped at it, blew the steam off, and didn’t feel the need to talk about anything at all anymore. Maybe this was an elaborate plan of Shinji, to keep him from asking annoying questions. If that was the case, Akihiko couldn’t have cared less. It was the most brilliant strategy ever.

 

The bad part was that it sparked the desire to lean his head on Shinji’s shoulder and cuddle with him right on the spot. Shinji wouldn’t have appreciated that. He was infinitely thankful for having a cup of coffee to hold onto.

 

“I bought stuff for dinner. Fuuka wants to try something more advantaged for Christmas Eve.”

 

Akihiko snorted. “I hope you got everything twice.”

 

Shinji licked cream off his spoon and gave that amazing little low laugh he could do ever since he’d hit puberty. It left every nerve in one’s body reverberating with a luscious tingle.

 

Akihiko told his imagination to shut the fuck up. “I take that’s a yes.”

 

“It is. Wanna know what she’s in mind?”

 

Akihiko nodded, just to maybe have something that would override what his mind was thinking of at the moment.

 

“Don’t laugh. It’s nothing Japanese.”

 

“It’s a Christian holiday. Something not-Japanese should work.”

 

Shinji hummed. “I hope you like roast goose.”

 

“Goose?” Akihiko wrinkled his nose. He’d never tried goose and while he was sure everything Shinji cooked would taste good, he wasn’t so sure about Fuuka. She had gotten better with Shinji’s help, but only marginally. “Do you think she’s ready?”

 

“Not at all.” Shinji rumbled with laughter. “We’re going to prepare it side-by-side. If her dish fails, there’ll be enough left to have everyone sated at the end of the day.”

 

Akihiko smiled and took the last gulp of coffee before it turned cold. “I don’t have to remind you that we’ll be having a guest?”

 

“That guy? Yeah, I know. I counted him in when I did the shopping list.”

 

“That’s very considerate of you.”

 

“Isn’t it. Considering he keeps telling me that I should be dead by now every time he sees me.” Shinji narrowed his eyes to the point of only the lashes being visible from this angle.

 

Akihiko moved closer. Now that his cup was empty, he unfortunately had no reason not to. Shinji didn’t evade him though. Akihiko’s heart leapt. “It’s confusing for him more than anything else, I guess. He doesn’t mean it like that.”

 

“I know.”

 

Damnit, Shinji was radiating too much warmth. Akihiko was drawn to him like a moth to light. Thank God he’d chosen this table. It wasn’t exactly hidden from the rest of the world, but well enough so to avoid getting too much attention.

 

“Hmm.” Shinji dipped his spoon into his Cappuccino. Only cream was left. He gathered all of it on the spoon and sighed quietly as he licked it off. He dropped the spoon into the mug and turned his head towards Akihiko.

 

Immediately, Akihiko’s heart missed a beat. Their noses were not even an inch from touching. His eyes nearly fluttered shut, breath hitching.

 

The chance to kiss was within reach, and what a close reach. Akihiko sat there, frozen and at the same time relaxed like he’d never been before. His muscles felt like jelly, limp in an entirely too good way. Even Shinji seemed a little less tense than normally. The bag between his legs rustled as he shifted.

 

What happened then wasn’t blink-and-miss-it.

 

Shinji’s lips ghosted over Akihiko’s and the only thing he could think of was that they were much softer than he’d imagined. Then he wondered briefly how often he’d actually thought about Shinji’s lips – too often. And the real thing beat his fantasies with ease.

 

His eyes shut on their own accord and it was perfect like that. He glimpsed Shinji’s lips sliding down before he could see no more, only feel. There was hardly any pressure involved. Every little crack, every curve was palpable. He could taste the lingering sweetness of cream on Shinji’s lips and dared to lick a tiny speck off of them. Shinji’s mouth moved and Akihiko was pretty sure that Shinji whispered his name, but then he pulled away.

 

Akihiko slowly opened his eyes. His chest’s rising and falling was uncontrollable, slow but heavy. He watched Shinji turn away, a solemn and contemplative frown on his face. There was, however, a slight blush to be found in the tips of his ears and Akihiko clung to that small positive sign like a drowning man.

 

“You kissed me,” he said. “You fucking kissed me.” He added a ‘what the hell?!’, but only in his mind.

 

“I did,” Shinji said and took the spoon out of his mug. He clicked it to the rim. “Huh.”

 

“What kind of reaction is that?” Akihiko could hardly pretend to be anything but pleased, nor was he surprised. It was Shinji after all. Shinji who had wonderful lips and obviously knew how to use them.

 

“I’ve gotta go.”

 

“No, you don’t.” Akihiko dug his nails into the back of Shinji’s hand. He was glad he’d held onto it now. It proved to be as useful as it was enjoyable. “Shinji.”

 

Finally, Shinji turned towards to him. His frown had deepened, but it made him look uncertain and shy now.

 

Akihiko cleared his throat, unable to act confident himself. His smile was probably wonky at best. “First you ignore me, then you kiss me. So you ignored me because…?”

 

“Because what.” Shinji looked down at their fingers wound together like a spider’s web.

 

“I’m asking you.” Akihiko didn’t like that he had to, but he quickly looked around to see if anyone had caught them in the act. No one was interested in their quiet, but strangely heated conversation. Heated because Akihiko could see a full-grown blush developing on Shinji’s cheeks and his own face had started burning meanwhile, too. “I just want you to know that I don’t mind. Uhm.” What a weird thing to say. He wanted to crash his head into the table, but no. That would make lots of people interested in what was happening in that part of the café.

 

Shinji blinked and his brows rose a bit. “You don’t mind the, uh, kissing.”

 

Akihiko nodded. His hand soaked Shinji’s with sweat and if he hadn’t been so scared that Shinji would run off once he let go, he’d have taken it away. “It was nice.”

 

“Yeah.” The mugs had become more worthwhile than Akihiko’s face.

 

He didn’t try to make Shinji look at him. Instead, he coughed and dropped his head. “Shinji. This is really, really awkward, but.”

 

“Hmm.” Shinji played a made-up game of trying to make the spoon stand upright, leaning against the cup, but it would slide and drop every time.

 

“I don’t think it’s bad. It isn’t, is it?” He tilted his head and wished desperately for Shinji to look his way. Shinji wouldn’t, so he pressed on. “I don’t think it is.”

 

He tried withdrawing his hand, but now it was Shinji whose nails dug into his flesh. Akihiko sighed. He let Shinji have the time to think of something to say. He could see Shinji’s brain working, his eyes flipping back and forth between spoon and sugar sprinkler. He prayed that Shinji’s conclusion would be a good one.

 

Or maybe include kissing again.

 

Akihiko slapped himself inwardly for that line of thought. Still, the picture of them kissing, right here, right there, right now, again, was vividly replaying over and over in his mind. He breathed evenly and willed his heart to stop beating fast. It didn’t work well, but it did manage to soothe him a little bit while he was waiting.

 

Shinji inhaled sharply and looked up at him. “I don’t know shit, Aki.”

 

“That’s okay,” he said and wasn’t sure he meant it. In a way, he did. Simply because Shinji’s expression was different from his usual display of grumpiness. Something in Shinji’s gaze sent a shiver down his spine, tingles leading into his very fingertips and toes. Something had gone terribly wrong – in Shinji’s eyes. He hadn’t planned this and Akihiko could see that. He couldn’t have cared any less about Shinji’s plans concerning kissing him in a public area, though that was most likely unhealthy considering the lack of acceptance for two boys being affectionate with each other.

 

He wanted to tell him that it was okay to be impulsive sometimes. Akihiko knew too well where that would lead Shinji’s thoughts than to do it. For Shinji, rash decisions equaled death and havoc.

 

“I think we should pay.” Shinji fumbled with his free hand to get the wallet out of his pocket. His other hand was still tightly closed around Akihiko’s. And it was shaking.

 

Akihiko wished for the guts to hug him and kiss the depression out of him on the spot. He couldn’t gather enough courage to do that. Instead he squeezed Shinji’s hand. It wasn’t much, but maybe it would help at least a tiny bit.

 

It did. Shinji’s smile was crooked, yet still a smile.

 

The waiter made an effort to ignore their hand-waving for the longest time. The silence that settled between them, only broken by their suddenly very loud breathing, was awful. Eventually, Shinji hissed and said they should leave without paying if they didn’t want their money.

 

Maybe the waiter had exceptional hearing abilities. He quickly shuffled towards their table and smiled broadly. His face was glowing with friendliness.

 

Akihiko leaned forward to hide their hand-holding. He couldn’t decide if it worked. The waiter’s brow creased when he bent down to pick up the money, but he didn’t say anything. Akihiko sighed in relief and wondered how they were supposed to get up like this.

 

He certainly didn’t want to let go. It would be necessary to get up and home. While it was cold enough outside that a possible excuse for holding hands was to keep themselves warm and steady because of the thin, yet extremely dangerous ice sheets all around… they were still boys. Even if they had been blood-related brothers, they were too old to pass for arguments that only worked with little kids. He sighed again, less relieved and more stressed. He turned around to see if Shinji was in the same state of mind.

 

Shinji was studying his face. His gaze shied away once Akihiko’s eyes met his.

 

Akihiko licked his lips, taste of Shinji gone, but the memory strong enough. “Do you have to do more shopping?”

 

“Yeah. No.” Shinji hunched his shoulders. “No.”

 

“Let’s go home together?” Akihiko bit his tongue, apprehensively awaiting Shinji’s answer. If the atmosphere’s tension hadn’t increased recently, the answer would have been easy and obvious. They were headed in the same direction and they were best friends. Of course they’d go home together.

 

Now that they had crossed the line of best friends and had reached whatever a kiss entailed in this case, the answer was dubious.

 

Shinji inhaled slowly and deeply.

 

Akihiko braced himself for a lonely walk home. At least he’d be able to think this over properly with no Shinji around to make him long for another contact of lips.

 

“Yep, let’s go.”

 

Akihiko raised his brows. “Go. Oh. Okay.” He glanced at their joined hands. “Uhm.”

 

Shinji’s eyes followed his. “Uhm.” His cheeks flamed up. Tentatively, he loosened his grasp on Akihiko’s hand and pulled his own back, tucking it into his pocket where it was a safe distance away.

 

Akihiko let out a shaky breath. The skin on his hand prickled. His fingertips tingled. The sweat was disgusting. He wanted to rub it off on his pants but decided that that would give Shinji the wrong impression. He clenched and unclenched his fist and rose.

 

He wasn’t exactly trying to stay close to Shinji, but somehow they ended up walking out of the coffee shop shoulder-to-shoulder. Akihiko let a small smile cross his features before he cringed, cold wind cutting his face. He shuddered and instinctively drew closer.

 

They walked down the street without sharing a word, Shinji fumbling with his coat to make the collar stand up and shield him from the icy wind. Akihiko wrapped his scarf around his face so that only his eyes could be seen and his ears were kept warm.

 

The crowds thinned out the farther they got from the city center. Akihiko thought of it as an improvement, even though it made the silence palpable. All the thoughts he busied himself with would lead to a discussion that he didn’t want to have outside in the cold. Maybe not today at all. He did want to have that discussion, though. He wasn’t certain if Shinji wanted it.

 

They turned around the next corner when Shinji groaned all of a sudden. Akihiko wriggled out from under the scarf. “What’s wrong? Bag’s too heavy?” Shinji had carried it with his left hand for the most part. It was probably numb by now.

 

It had kept them further apart until now.

 

Shinji swapped the bag to his other hand and paused. He looked at Akihiko. “’s fucking cold.”

 

“It is,” Akihiko said and cocked his head. He followed Shinji’s movement curiously. Shinji bent his arm and linked it with Akihiko’s.

 

He blushed. Oh God, he was acting like a stupid little boy getting a whole toy car collection for Christmas. He dropped his eyes to the ground and wrapped his arm around Shinji’s.

 

“You’ve been thinking the whole time.”

 

So they were going to have that discussion now. Akihiko cringed as they evaded a rather obvious death trap of ice. “You want to know about what, I guess.”

 

“That guess would be correct.”

 

“Okay, here’s the deal. I don’t know. It’s all going in circles.” Why bother with a lie? He wasn’t good at it anyway and Shinji always caught him. “What about you?”

 

“I haven’t thought much. As always.” Shinji grunted and rolled his shoulders.

 

Akihiko could hear a faint crack as he did and grimaced. “Not much is still something. Maybe it’s better than what I can come up with?”

 

“I doubt it.” Shinji pulled forward and Akihiko fell into a steady rhythm beside him as they strode towards the dorms. They were still a few blocks away. Enough time to get into a huge fight. He’d do anything to avoid that. Now that Shinji was behaving in a curiously affectionate manner he was set to keep it that way.

 

Only birds accompanied them on their way. There wasn’t a single person around. It was probably too cold for a normal afternoon stroll. The couples waited for snow to fall and settle because without it, a romantic stroll through winter wonderland wasn’t very romantic. Just cold.

 

Akihiko had a different opinion. Maybe this didn’t really count as a romantic journey of two lovers – no, of course it didn’t, because they weren’t, weren’t lovers of course! – it was very nice nonetheless. He sucked the thick air into his mouth, tasting ice on his tongue. “Tell me.”

 

With the bit of quiet between them, Shinji had had enough time to think his words over. Akihiko wasn’t surprised to find that they weren’t exactly chosen wisely, but that every word was delivered in earnest. “You know, I told you I was angry that you got hurt, right?”

 

Akihiko nodded. It was a bit hard to concentrate on Shinji’s words. Shinji’s arm around his squeezed them together painfully. Akihiko didn’t object because any distraction could lead to Shinji not ever saying what he wanted to say. Akihiko wanted to know too badly to try his luck.

 

“I didn’t want to come along to fight. Probably shouldn’t do that again anyway.”

 

“You really shouldn’t because you’re in no shape to do so,” Akihiko reminded him, voice firm.

 

Shinji rolled his eyes. “That’s not what I was getting at, but fine, that’s another good reason.” He clicked his tongue. “I don’t like it when I don’t know what’s happening to you when I’m not around.” Whispering that didn’t help. With no other noise nearby, Akihiko had heard that loud and clear.

 

His breath cut off for a moment. Processing the new information, he stopped. Akihiko snorted. “When you left the dorm, back then, and lived on the streets…”

 

“I know that,” Shinji interrupted him. “That’s why I think it’s fucking stupid to tell you.”

 

A jab right to his heart. “No, it’s not,” he said. “Sorry. Go on.”

 

“And I guess I kinda realized that I can’t protect you anymore. I can’t fight and you wouldn’t want me to even if I could, right?” He bit his lip. “So I got even angrier ‘cause I didn’t know what to do. And then I got confused.”

 

“And then you kissed me in public.” More or less public and no one had seen, as far as he knew, but those were unnecessary details and didn’t change the fact that Shinji had kissed him in front of other people. On impulse, as everything Shinji did. This was also a detail that had little to do with anything and certainly didn’t lessen the impact or the exhilaration.

 

“I felt like it.”

 

“I guessed that much.” He loosened the link of their arms and stepped in front of Shinji, looking into his eyes. “So are you going to do it again? J-just curious.”

 

Shinji, startled and reddening, raised his shoulders. “Well. Duh.”

 

“Not an answer, Shinji.”

 

“This is weird. And I shouldn’t.”

 

Akihiko tipped his head back. It was almost too easy when his hand wandered down to clasp Shinji’s. “I shouldn’t either.” This time, he let his eyes flutter shut with intent.

 

Shinji’s heavy breathing hit his cheeks, and then Shinji’s hand was in his neck and pulled him into a kiss that knocked the air out of his lungs. It was gentle, a tender caress of soft lips to broken ones. Akihiko’s hand shot up to tangle all fingers into Shinji’s mess of hair.

 

They stumbled into the nearest wall, Akihiko’s back pressed into the bricks. Shinji hesitated when Akihiko deepened the kiss. He’d obviously not expected a more forceful response. Akihiko wasn’t sure of his kissing skills, but he enjoyed it far too much to stop now. On the other hand, he had the sinking feeling that he was pushing Shinji’s limits.

 

Akihiko pursed his lips and licked them contentedly as he leaned back. Shinji’s face was brightly lit, lips swollen and mouth still open. He clicked his tongue to his teeth and swallowed. Akihiko took his hand out of Shinji’s hair and inhaled the crisp winter air. He nudged him. Shinji’s expression was giving him the creeps.

 

Akihiko himself could feel the strain of a too broad smile on his face, but Shinji’s expression sent mixed signals. There was a bit of a crease to his brows, yet also a bit of a smile tugging at his lips through his panting. Akihiko cupped his cheek and rubbed his thumb lightly over the hot skin. “I’m sorry.”

 

Shinji shook his head. He hadn’t let go yet. The embrace Akihiko found himself in wasn’t crushing, he could have slipped away at any time, but it was there and that was all that mattered. Did Shinji even know how important his touch was? Akihiko searched his eyes for an answer and couldn’t find anything but confusion.

 

He sighed, but kept smiling. “Let’s go home.” He glanced at the bag. Shinji hadn’t dropped it. “Get the food into the fridge.”

 

“It’s cold outside. Won’t rot away for a while.”

 

“So you want to stay outside?” Akihiko raised an eyebrow. “I don’t want to.”

 

“Then leave.” No sign that Shinji was planning a retreat either.

 

Akihiko opened his mouth and closed it again. “Okay. Let’s stay like this for a bit longer.” His head hit the bricks as he relaxed. The wall’s chill permeated his coat. Shinji’s body heat wasn’t enough to keep him warm like this for long. He could only hope that whatever was keeping Shinji’s wires busy could be solved quickly. He didn’t want to catch a cold this close to Christmas. The only comfort was that Shinji would probably get it, too. They had just shared a lot of germs, after all.

 

Shinji’s gaze wandered all over his body. It was something Akihiko was used to when his fans did it during matches. With Shinji examining him from this close up, he had goose bumps popping up everywhere. It wasn’t inherently unnatural because Shinji was the king of stares, but it managed to make Akihiko wish the ground would swallow him up whole. The ground wasn’t so nice.

 

“Could you stop doing that?”

 

“Huh.” Shinji blinked as if yanked out of a daze. “What?”

 

“Staring at me. It’s strange.” Especially because there was no sinister aura. Shinji needn’t be told that. That would only make Akihiko look like the creep. You didn’t make advances on people and then told them that their attitude was comparable to a villain from a kids movie.

 

Shinji took a step back, then another. He nodded in the direction of the dorm. “Let’s go.”

 

“Oh, so you’re done? With thinking, I mean.”

 

“No,” Shinji said and grinned. “I don’t think I’ll ever be.”

 

Akihiko chuckled and went back to Shinji’s side, linking their arms again. He shrugged when Shinji’s eyes widened. “Don’t want to be cold. I’m not food.”

 

For some reason, the pink returned to Shinji’s cheeks. “Uh-huh.” He swapped the bag to his other hand, making room for Akihiko to shift closer.

 

It was really nice, walking alongside each other like this. Akihiko was sure that he could get used to it. Well, only for as long as it was winter and the temperature was low enough. It must have looked weird, seeing two boys like this. Akihiko didn’t notice anyone who could have seen them, but anyone looking out of their window would have seen them and maybe some wouldn’t have considered it strange. Others, surely. He didn’t want to think about those people.

 

*

 

His nostrils burned from the cold outside. He had decided against running his usual rounds. Christmas Eve was, after all, in many parts of the world considered a day to relax. Running for an hour and almost freezing to death would certainly be enough. When he opened the door to the dorm, a hot wave of scents hit him.

 

He couldn’t tell everything apart, but there was definitely cinnamon in use for one dish or another. Probably more cookies. Ken and Minato had managed to eat all of the ones Shinji had previously prepared for Christmas. Shinji hadn’t been pleased.

 

Both Minato and Ken were more shocked by the fact that he wouldn’t scold them. No. Akihiko had watched the scene, barely able to hide his amusement. Shinji had simply shaken his head and gone upstairs.

 

Akihiko had followed him a few minutes later, catching Shinji on his way to the shower. They had exchanged a smirk.

 

Shinji’s mood had improved somewhat. Maybe he wouldn’t mind Akihiko peeking into the kitchen now. Akihiko took the risk of getting kicked out and banned from dinner and knocked on the kitchen door before entering.

 

Fuuka’s hair was full of flour. She didn’t look happy. Her mouth pressed together tightly, muscles working to keep it straight instead of letting her depression show through. Shinji’s apron was full of marmalade and stains of what Akihiko could only presume was soup of some sort.

 

Akihiko cleared his throat, breaking the icy silence between the other two. “Hey. You all right?”

 

Both turned around. Fuuka’s lips quivered. She held a forcing bag tight to her chest. Shinji furrowed a brow and snorted.

 

“Get out, Aki. Only cooks allowed.”

 

Fuuka’s face lit up slightly.

 

Akihiko shrugged and took the rest of the picture in. The kitchen was a mess, but a very delicious mess. Cookies, as he had guessed, were on trays everywhere. Three pots with steam emanating had been put on the stove and produced a soft bubbling sound. In the oven he could see the advertised goose. There was only one. So something had gone wrong after all. He chuckled and ignored Fuuka’s blush to make things easier for both of them.

 

“When will dinner be ready?” He leaned against the doorframe.

 

“When I say so.” Shinji turned away and stirred whatever was in the pot in the top right corner of the stove. “Which means you can take a shower.”

 

Akihiko ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, thanks.”

 

“He didn’t mean to say that you stink!” Fuuka exclaimed. “You don’t!”

 

Akihiko blinked. Then he laughed. “I bet the sweat froze.”

 

“Told you not to go today.”

 

“You didn’t, Shinji.” He could see Shinji pursing his lips even though he did everything to make it seem as if the stove was the most important thing in the world. Well, it probably was indeed high up on the list. Still, Akihiko wanted to hug him. Maybe Christmas had that effect on people.

 

The couples taking a late afternoon stroll outside had made him feel all awkward. Now the awkwardness slowly progressed into something more pleasant. Shinji would be warm. It would be easy to warm up by clinging to him.

 

Akihiko shook his head and coughed. “Gonna take a shower now. Don’t start without me.”

 

“Sure won’t,” Shinji mumbled and turned the heat down.

 

Fuuka nodded. “Please take your time!”

 

He closed the door behind himself and went upstairs. He was practically hopping until he met Mitsuru. She cocked her head to the side and raised her brows. He’d acted like a fool again. And in her presence, that meant an explanation was due. He’d already opened his mouth, without actually having come up with a good explanation, when she interrupted him.

 

“Merry Christmas.” She smiled.

 

“Uh. Yes. Merry Christmas.” He rubbed his arms. He was inside and already beginning to feel cold again, thanks to the sweat. “See you later?”

 

Mitsuru looked down at the hallway. “He’s becoming more approachable lately.”

 

“Shinji.” Akihiko didn’t want to have this conversation. Not now, and most likely not later either. He just wanted to enjoy Shinji being happy. Of course she couldn’t let that happen. She had to analyze the situation.

 

“Sometimes he still seems to be in pain, though. He is taking the painkillers, isn’t he?” She wetted her lips and frowned. “Not that I like him taking them per se. He shouldn’t do drugs of any sort, I think. He was far too lucky.”

 

“We all were,” Akihiko said and felt steadily more uncomfortable, and not just because his jumper clung to his body like a synthetic second skin. “He’s coming over for Christmas, right?”

 

“Mochizuki? Yes, Minato-kun invited him.” She glanced at Minato’s door only a few meters away. With her nervous habit of brushing her bangs back, Akihiko could see that he wasn’t the only one worried by the visitor.

 

“I know he’s a real human now, but still.”

 

“He promised that Tartarus would disappear and it has grown. Although the count of Shadows has decreased in the past weeks… it is still not the outcome he had predicted.” She sighed. “It smells delicious.”

 

Akihiko blinked. After successfully processing the information, he grinned. “He didn’t tell you what they’re going to make for dinner?”

 

She shook her head. “Fuuka started blushing and stammering. Then Shinji appeared out of nowhere and scowled at me.” She sniffed. “I had no idea he had it in him to teach someone.”

 

Akihiko shrugged. Maybe it was just Shinji being bored. He couldn’t say for sure. Give or take a few months and Shinji might be back to being his old grim self. As long as he was keeping his helpful attitude, Fuuka could learn a lot from him. Who knew, maybe she’d manage to cook something edible before Shinji reverted back to himself.

 

Though Akihiko didn’t like thinking of the way Shinji behaved now and how he used to behave as two different people. Shinji was still distinctly himself. He was often disgruntled and impulsive, easily stressed and trying to remain stoic while fretting over everyone’s well-being except his own. Akihiko caught himself smiling and cleared his throat, uncomfortable with Mitsuru’s face fixed on him. “Uhm. I’ve really got to take a shower now, Mitsuru.” Not a lie, he was starting to freeze with his sweat cooling down. “Could we talk later?”

 

Mitsuru shifted her weight from one foot to the other. He only noticed then that she wasn’t wearing house shoes. Koromaru, Akihiko assumed. The dog kept pulling everyone’s leg just to cheer Ken up who was still acting weirdly around Shinji.

 

Akihiko rubbed his arms to emphasize his growing discomfort.

 

Mitsuru apparently didn’t have the time to notice his shaking. She put a hand on his shoulder. “Do you think he’ll be alright?” Her fingernails dug into his shirt.

 

“Mitsuru.” He put his hand over hers. “He’s doing much better than I expected him to. I don’t think it’s doing him any good if we’re going to be pessimistic about this. He’s providing enough of that already.”

 

Her eyes shone in the artificial light. She blinked and lowered her head. “You’re right. I shouldn’t worry about him so much.”

 

A rather strange sensation: his heart seemed to clench. He ground his teeth and pushed her away gently. “It wasn’t your fault when he left the first time around. No one could have stopped him.”

 

“You keep telling yourself this lie, Akihiko, but it doesn’t… it’s never been true. Stop lying.”

 

Oh damn it. There were tears and they were rolling down Mitsuru Kirijo’s cheeks. Akihiko grimaced and looked around for help. No one was there and she wouldn’t appreciate him shouting nor was running away the right choice, that much he knew. Akihiko bit his lips and hugged her. It was an awkward thing, Mitsuru soft and pliant, wrapping her arms around his chest, while he was going stiff as a poker. He patted her back and stared down at the red mass of hair.

 

He watched the clock as the seconds ticked by. It only took her a minute, Akihiko could see as much, but it felt a lot longer. The spot where her face had resided felt much wetter when she pulled away.

 

She inhaled deeply and straightened her sweater. “I have to talk to Mochizuki on Christmas Eve.”

 

Akihiko nodded, unsure if he could dash now.

 

“It’s not the right topic for this day, but I – we have to know if we’ll have to continue fighting. I’d prefer if we lost our Personas, to be honest.” She pressed her lips together.

 

“Shinji would love that,” Akihiko said. Out loud, which wasn’t according to plan. He cringed and added, “I doubt it’d solve any of his problems. Nor would it solve any of ours.”

 

“I know. I know.” She rubbed her eyes, smearing mascara all over her face. “Go take a shower now. You’ll catch a cold if you don’t.” Her voice was almost back to her usual icy commanding tone.

 

“Yes. Yes, see you later.” He didn’t wait for her reply and rushed upstairs to the bathroom.

 

Finally arriving there, he closed and locked the door behind him. Then he sat down on the toilet, burying his face in his hands. Oh God, she was right. And he was right too, wasn’t he?

 

Shinji would be delighted to have Castor gone for good. And if not, and if Tartarus and Shadows kept existing, Shinji would have to join their forces eventually. It would be much easier to get rid of all these things.

 

Maybe that would solve all of their problems! Maybe it was just that easy.

 

*

 

A metallic voice called him. “Are you coming?”

 

He hadn’t realized how much time had passed. His towel was dripping wet when he rose from his sitting place on the bathtub’s edge. “I’m sorry! I’ll come down in a minute!” Better not risk Aigis breaking the door trying to fetch him.

 

“Good.”

 

Her footsteps were much heavier than those of the other residents. It was easy to tell when she was gone. He sighed and dropped the towel. “Such a pain…”

 

By now he was no longer hungry. His body needed an energy refill though and he knew Shinji probably wouldn’t be talking to him for another eternity if he missed dinner today. He put on another pair of loose pants and a green turtleneck. Dragging himself out of the bathroom, Akihiko tried to lighten up. “It’s Christmas. You’re not the Grinch.”

 

He could hear the others laughing and Koromaru barking. Apparently the party had begun without him. Well, why the hell not. He wasn’t particularly bothered by missing a few minutes of noise. A headache was knocking on his cerebral door.

 

When he arrived he’d rubbed his temples so much that they were now itching instead of throbbing. He gave Shinji a wry smile and sat down next to him. Shinji was still wearing an apron, but Fuuka had changed into a miniskirt and t-shirt combo that suited her well and was probably considered cute. He didn’t have an eye for that. Besides, she started blushing furiously the longer he looked at her.

 

Akihiko decided to check out the other guests lest she combust and ruin the feast.

 

There was Mochizuki, wearing a black suit – and even Akihiko could tell that a yellow tie just didn’t work with an otherwise black-in-black outfit. He cringed and switched to the next person. The following guests were dressed more or less normally, although Yukari’s outfit seemed a little too revealing. Junpei couldn’t take his eyes off her chest, at least.

 

Akihiko leaned back and let Shinji put down the salad in front of him. “Looks good.”

 

“Fuuka made it all alone,” Shinji said.

 

She ducked her head and nodded. “I… I did!”

 

Shinji winked at him. “Don’t worry,” he whispered, “her salad’s a little, eh, acidic, but won’t kill you.”

 

“What did he just say to you?” Junpei paled.

 

“It’s fine!” Fuuka crossed her arms. “It really is!”

 

“Well, thanks but I’m going to wait for the main dish. Unless she made that by herself as well…”

 

“Junpei, don’t be an ass.” Yukari elbowed him, but she had already tasted the salad. Her face was distorted as she swallowed it down. “It’s delicious, Fuuka!”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Won’t you sit and dine with us, dead man walking?” Mochizuki tilted his head, pointing at Shinji.

 

Akihiko did not only feel himself freeze, he could also see the curved line of Mitsuru’s spine shoot upright. A moment of high tension passed. Even Koromaru had stopped moving about. Shinji set down the last plate of salad and patted Mochizuki’s shoulder.

 

“Later.” He disappeared into the kitchen.

 

It was one breath they took in common. Mochizuki blinked a few times, shrugged and picked up his fork. “Bon appetite, as the Swedish say!”

 

Mitsuru groaned quietly, but didn’t say anything. Minato shook his head. He was calmly nibbling on his salad. Eventually he turned out to be the only one who could down the whole plate without grimacing at least once.

 

Mitsuru turned bright red when Shinji came to take the plates away – she hadn’t cleared her plate and Shinji had remarked on her sudden impoliteness. Her hand shot forward a second too late; she only slapped thin air.

 

So far, the party was turning out well. Surprisingly well! Sure, Mochizuki kept frowning at Shinji, but there was more laughter than there were silent moments of anticipation. Fuuka eventually got up and followed Shinji into the kitchen. He was late, they were hungry.

 

Even Akihiko’s own stomach had begun rumbling again. He smiled at the empty table and listened to the stories Junpei told without trying to comprehend them. Knowing Junpei, it was about girls and Akihiko was sick of hearing those. He had his own fair share of stories involving girls. Most of them involved him running through the city, trying to get away from a whole hoard.

 

“There we are.” Fuuka was carrying the goose while Shinji was behind her, his face strangely flustered.

 

When they made eye contact, Shinji quickly looked down, pretending to undo the tie of his apron. His fingers were twitching in all the wrong directions.

 

“Come here.” Akihiko reached out and, pulling three times, freed Shinji. “Let’s eat!”

 

“Dude, that was kind of …”

 

Mitsuru shot Junpei an icy glare, but it was Yukari who spoke first.

 

“Don’t say ‘gay’, Junpei, or I’ll have to hit you.”

 

Mitsuru looked rather befuddled when Yukari nodded at her. It did nothing to alleviate her blush.

 

Everyone looked up when Shinji cleared his throat. “Yeah, let’s eat.”

 

It was Fuuka’s job to make sure everyone got the same amount of food and then some more if needed. She was definitely better at that than at preparing a salad. Yukari mused that being a waitress could be fun and soon all of the younger party guests were fully engaged in the conversation. Only Ken seemed more concerned with the food he was munching.

 

Mitsuru leaned forward. “I think you did well, Shinjiro,” she whispered.

 

“Thanks.” There was the sort of smile Akihiko loved to see on Shinji’s face. It didn’t immediately disappear either. An unexpected Christmas present.

 

His chest suddenly felt warmer than a moment before and he avoided looking at Shinji too much in the following minutes. Do it like Ken, he told himself, just zone out. It worked; the food was indeed delicious. Soon no one was talking anymore and instead busying themselves with refilling their plates.

 

When he dared glance at Shinji again, the smile was still there. Maybe even a bit broader than before. The same smile was on Fuuka’s face, although unlike Shinji, she joined the various discussions from time to time. Even started one herself: She had also done the dessert all by herself and Shinji had praised her so much for that!

 

Akihiko was skeptical, but Shinji nodded in silent agreement. That could only mean he’d handed her every single ingredient … after weighing it himself. Not that it mattered much to anyone. Not tonight.

 

And indeed, the dessert – a sort of pudding from somewhere in Europe, Fuuka had forgotten and Shinji couldn’t be bothered to explain – was the perfect last dish for this dinner.

 

Of course it couldn’t end on a happy note. Akihiko had just licked his spoon clean when tension arose from across the table. Mochizuki had gotten up and both Ken and Yukari who were sitting next to him were already cringing. He was going to hold a speech.

 

Akihiko didn’t have to see Shinji’s face to know what he was probably thinking: Don’t mention dead people.

 

A ridiculous demand – how could the representation of Death not talk about his favorite topic. Akihiko braced himself for the impact. He fully expected Shinji to hurdle a chair at Mochizuki’s face the second he looked in his direction. Without thinking about it, he reached out and grasped Shinji’s hand. Shinji spread his fingers and let the intertwining happen without much more than a quiet snort. Akihiko sighed. Nails were digging into his skin while Mochizuki clicked his knife to a glass of orange juice.

 

“I’m delighted to spend Christmas with my friends,” Mochizuki began, raising the glass higher. “Beautiful women, robots, dogs, and zombies …”

 

Shinji’s nails were sharp. Akihiko couldn’t tell if he was already bleeding or if Shinji was, so far, just cutting his blood circulation off. Everyone else’s expression was grave. Ken was coughing wildly. Mitsuru was shaking with what Akihiko readily assumed to be a preliminary tremor of a coming rampage. The others were trying hard not to look at Shinji and, glancing at him, Akihiko agreed that it was a wise decision. He had gone ash-gray, but somehow still managed to glare at Mochizuki, teeth gritted.

 

Mochizuki smiled broadly at him and continued. “I must say I’ve learned many things in your company. While I don’t understand everything yet,” he pointed at Shinji with his bare finger, “I think we can use the next year to get behind all these riddles together!”

 

“I’m not a fucking riddle!” Shinji jerked forward, but Akihiko was quicker and tugged him back down.

 

He tried to ignore Shinji’s heavy breathing. Throwing a tantrum wasn’t going to improve his condition, obviously.

 

“Let’s go upstairs?” Akihiko was well aware that all eyes were on them now, and that everyone had spotted them holding hands. The wild rage in Shinji’s eyes distracted him enough not to be embarrassed about it. There’d be a lifetime for that later. “Shinji!”

 

Mitsuru pushed her chair back with enough force to make it drop to the floor. She didn’t look back. “Thank you for your kind words, Mochizuki-san, but I think that should be enough. I know some of you have dates later today and want to prepare themselves. Therefore, I think it won’t bother anyone if I end this celebration now.”

 

Yukari sprang up from her chair. “Thanks for making dinner, Shinjiro-senpai, Fuuka-chan!” One of the date-goers, Akihiko mused, the way she ran upstairs without even waving goodbye. Or maybe she was distressed because of the atmosphere.

 

He himself certainly was. Neither Mochizuki nor Shinji would budge a millimeter, although Akihiko was trying his best to shove his friend off the chair. Mitsuru was busy likewise, arguing with Mochizuki who didn’t seem too pleased to have his speech be interrupted.

 

Mochizuki crossed his arms and turned away, facing Ken. “Don’t you want to hear what I have to say?”

 

Ken opened his mouth, but it stayed open silently. He shrugged and looked at Mitsuru, brows furrowed. Akihiko couldn’t decide whether Ken was terrified or just annoyed. Either way, Mitsuru had him go to bed. It was rather late, she was right about that. Ken didn’t seem upset at all to be sent to his room. Koromaru followed him, his tail wagging.

 

He’d leave bruises on Shinji’s shoulders if the other didn’t yield sooner or later. Akihiko looked back and forth between Mitsuru, Mochizuki and Shinji. Mitsuru had as much luck in coercing Mochizuki out of the dorms as Akihiko had in dragging Shinji away from the scene.

 

“C-come on, guys,” Junpei said, “It’s Christmas!”

 

“Shut your fucking mouth!” Finally Shinji was standing up! If for all the wrong reasons…

 

At least his upright position made it easier to push and pull him towards the stairs. He was fighting against it, but Akihiko knew a few tricks that Shinji obviously didn’t. Causing havoc with an axe required physical strength and Akihiko did break out into a sweat, but Shinji was too enraged to defend himself properly. He tumbled wherever Akihiko wanted him to go. Cursing and fighting, but he did move.

 

When Akihiko looked back over his shoulder, checking how far Mitsuru had come, he saw Mochizuki’s eyes widen. Whatever Mitsuru had just said to him must have offended him. His whole face was turning red, veins on his neck very much visible and pulsating. “The only reason why nothing has changed is him being alive!”

 

“And you couldn’t have told me this piece of vital information any day sooner?” Mitsuru reached out as if to push him into the table. Minato was faster and caught her hands in his fists.

 

“Don’t, Mitsuru.”

 

Akihiko turned back to Shinji. He froze. Shinji had been pale for weeks, but now he was almost transparent. His lips were trembling and Akihiko didn’t want to piece that puzzle together. “Please, Shinji. Let’s not stay here.”

 

“The moment you die,” Mochizuki said, addressing Shinji, “Tartarus will disappear and all the Shadows, too. You’re messing up all the rules. You should stop.”

 

“Shut the fuck up!” Akihiko shot forward. This time it was Shinji who held him back. Shinji’s grip was light, but it stopped him nonetheless. “You just told him to go die!”

 

“Well, yes.” Mochizuki blinked. “That’s what he’s supposed to do. Let happen. Anyways.” He shrugged.

 

“Aki. Let’s go.” Shinji’s voice broke halfway through.

 

Akihiko took a deep breath. Mochizuki’s words had gotten him all fired up. Shinji’s had stung. He looked miserable. Ashen and shivering. “Yes,” Akihiko said and took his hand.

 

*

 

Shinji dropped down on his bed as if he weighed a ton. He hid his face in his hands, shoulders hunched as he leaned over. “So it’s all my fault all over again. Fuck this.”

 

“It’s not your fault. It’s a good thing you’re alive!” Akihiko kneeled down in front of him. Shinji’s hands were cold when he wrapped his own around them to peel them away. Shinji’s eyes were bloodshot and shimmering. Akihiko knew better than to ask if he was crying.

 

He rubbed circles into Shinji’s wrists, feeling his heartbeat all too well. “Even if it’s because of you, it’s not your fault. You were lucky to survive, against all odds. That’s what people normally call a miracle.”

 

“I don’t fucking care about people!” Shinji’s hand shot up.

 

Akihiko flinched. Shinji dropped the hand and coiled in on himself. While Akihiko had seen Shinji in a miserable state before, it had always been physical. He wasn’t sure what to do about this, how to help, what to say. He sat back on his heels and pushed fingers into Shinji’s mass of uncombed hair, aiding the hat off its natural place.

 

“Can we just not talk about this shit?” Shinji said, head hanging low, jaw touching Akihiko’s shoulder.

 

Shinji had planned everything out carefully for this evening, Akihiko suspected. The food, the decorations – everything was alight and a delightful smell hung in the air. Mochizuki had managed to destroy that in a matter of seconds, and it showed on Shinji’s face. His scrunched-up nose running, his face hot, his frown deep.

 

“Sure. What do you want to talk about then?”

 

Shinji sat up and smoothened the blanket with his fists. “Christmas presents,” he mumbled.

 

Akihiko tilted his head. “Huh? You got one for me?”

 

At first it seemed like Shinji was going to protest: he crossed his arms and pursed his lips. Then he relented. “Yeah, well. Though as I just heard you wouldn’t need it if I’d died,” he added in a low whisper.

 

Akihiko bit his lip. He pushed himself up with one hand and slid onto the bed next to Shinji. “Now I’m curious. What is it?”

 

“It’s a surprise, idiot.”

 

Akihiko rolled his eyes and leaned back. The wall was ice-cold. Or maybe his own temperature had gotten up due to this hassle that everything seemed cold in comparison. “Show me.”

 

Shinji hung himself over the edge of the bed to pull something out from underneath. He produced a box wrapped in red blue paper with a red bow on top. Akihiko reached for it as soon as Shinji let go of the present. It was big!

 

“What the hell,” he said while tugging on the bow, “why’d you get me something like that?!”

 

“You don’t even know what it is yet. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Or a present by its size.” Shinji shrugged. His eyes were still somewhat glazed over, but a smile was definitely on its way. Akihiko could tell by Shinji’s twitching lips.

 

“Seems like you’re pretty certain that I’ll like your present.”

 

“If you don’t, I’ll have to take you to the hospital.”

 

Akihiko raised an eyebrow. Shinji laid down on the bed, one hand supporting his head. He was so sure of himself, Akihiko regretted the decision he’d made regarding his present for Shinji. It was too late to worry about that now.

 

“Did you learn how to do the most complicated knots on the streets or what?”

 

“Nope, you’re just fumbling around too much.” Shinji cupped one of his hands. “Don’t be that excited. You’re not a baby anymore.”

 

Something about the way Shinji had said “baby” made him flush. Shinji’s eyes were glistening again, invitingly this time. Akihiko dropped his gaze and examined the bow’s knot. His hands were steadied by Shinji’s as he tugged on the fabric. Finally it came undone.

 

“There,” Shinji said. “Now open it!”

 

Akihiko pushed his fingers under the box’s top and lifted it, peeking inside. He gasped and looked up. Shinji nodded at him.

 

“Thought you’d like that.”

 

They were red and shiny and new. Not one of those cheap pairs either. No, from a well-known brand that pros loved. Akihiko ogled the gloves. “Shinji, where …”

 

“I earned that money, okay? Tch.” His smile turned wry. “And … you’re worth that money, so don’t get sappy now.”

 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” He could hug him later, Akihiko decided. Those gloves were too precious, he had to try them on. Now.

 

“They’re perfect.”

 

“Yeah, just don’t start hitting me with them.”

 

Akihiko grinned and put his gloved hands around Shinji’s head. He stayed still, so Akihiko pressed his lips to Shinji’s forehead before he was shoved back. Shinji rubbed his forehead, perfectly imitating a pouting child.

 

“Whatever. What’s my present?”

 

Akihiko cringed and busied himself with getting out of his new gloves. Shinji had just told him not to get sappy. He’d have to disappoint him. He put the gloves back into the box and placed the box onto Shinji’s bedside table. His heart was already beating fast and hard. His ribs hurt from the constant pressure and he was beginning to feel dizzy. His tongue was dry as a dead lump of bread.

 

He cleared his throat.

“I didn’t think you’d live to see this day, so all I can give to you is me and I just hope you consider that precious enough to stay the fuck alive for another year and all the years after that one, and –” He felt tears burn in his eyes, an all too familiar sting. Then he was enveloped in pine-scented warmth as Shinji wrapped his arms around his middle. Shinji’s lips were so damn soft, tasting of cinnamon and chocolate from the cookies he’d been nomming the past days.

 

And he really hadn’t expected that reaction. He’d just hoped he wouldn’t get punched. Now all he had to do was open his mouth and let Shinji’s tongue in. The sensation raised his hackles. Everything prickled, from his toes to his fingertips – especially his crotch, though.

 

“Told you not to get mushy.”

 

“But you take the present?”

 

“Fuck yeah.”

 

Somehow, getting his hand under Shinji’s shirt was even more complicated than getting the bow undone. It was tight-fitted and once he got underneath, he could feel Shinji’s muscles twitch beneath his touch. He traced them, pulling the shirt up while doing so.

 

Shinji’s knuckles pressed into his sides; he was breathing hard, a constant flow of hot air onto his neck. Akihiko burrowed his free hand in Shinji’s hair. Soft, a little sweaty. No wonder, after spending the whole day in the kitchen. With Fuuka, no less.

 

Akihiko’s fingers grazed over a soft patch of skin. For a moment, he hesitated, then rubbed the delicate nub. He’d never done any of this before. There was a good chance Shinji would react badly to that kind of thing: He was surprised to find his worries proven unnecessary. Shinji’s breath hitched as he leaned into the caress.

 

Everything was in reach, everything he’d ever wanted to touch. And yet he was too nervous to actually do it. One hand wandered into Shinji’s nape, tickling the fine hairs. The other had managed to get his nipple swollen and overly sensitive. Shinji flinched when fingernails accidentally dug into his flesh.

 

What Akihiko almost hadn’t noticed, but now did as his hand traveled back down over Shinji’s stomach, was that Shinji’s hands were shaking as well. He let go of Akihiko’s shirt and let his hands roam over Akihiko’s back. A pleasant sensation, yet uncoordinated in a way that had Akihiko worried. Again.

 

They had to work things out slowly, probably. He didn’t know if this was Shinji’s first time – first time at all, first time with a guy, first time with someone he … liked, hopefully – and he was too afraid to ask.

 

“Get out of that shirt?” he said, smiling.

 

Shinji looked at him with heavy-lidded eyes, licked his lips, and got rid of the shirt.

 

After such an extensive meal, the sight of his half-naked best friend shouldn’t have made his mouth water. Akihiko reached for him again, hooking his fingers under the waistband of Shinji’s pants and pulled him closed. The flush on Shinji’s face deepened promptly.

 

“Get out of yours? Isn’ fair.”

 

Shinji’s hands kept wandering. They came to a halt on Akihiko’s chest, one finger poking one of the buttons. Akihiko nodded. “Do it.” He felt ridiculous, saying that. The surprise on Shinji’s face was worth his own embarrassment.

 

“Too lazy, eh.”

 

“Why, too excited to unfasten those?”

 

“Shut the fuck up.” For once, there was no malice in Shinji’s voice. The sinister edge was mellowed out by the wavering. He did have poor control and it took him a while to undo all the buttons, but Akihiko stayed silent until he’d been bared.

 

Shaking off his own shirt, he dumped their clothes on the floor and shuffled closer. “What … now?”

 

“Duh. It’s your present for me, so.” He shrugged, putting his hands on Akihiko’s hips after a moment of holding them in mid-air. “You gotta tell me.”

 

“Right.” Akihiko swallowed hard. He had no experience whatsoever; only with running from romantic advances. The opposite was required now. His fingers still lingered close to Shinji’s crotch. He’d always considered himself brave.

 

Getting his hand between pants and skin was only possible after getting Shinji’s zipper down. That took him a while and, worse yet, Shinji started grumbling. No insults, just annoyed blabbering. It didn’t help speed things up.

 

But he did succeed, eventually.

 

Slipping his hand under Shinji’s shorts, he barely registered anything but the sound of blood rushing through his veins. Shinji’s cock was hot, half-hard and leaking pre-cum. Akihiko snorted when a first tug silenced Shinji in a matter of seconds.

 

“Asshole.” Shinji held onto his waist like a drowning man.

 

That’d leave bruises, Akihiko mused. He was used to those.

 

The grip loosened and tightened with each move of his hand, Akihiko noticed, mesmerized by the rhythm he was setting. One of Shinji’s hand grabbed his crotch, sliding it back and forth over the suddenly very uncomfortable pants. Shinji whined into his neck. Akihiko didn’t think it fit, as he’d never heard it before – but he’d definitely heard it. He stopped to pull his own pants down, drawing another whine from Shinji.

 

“You’re the least patient person on this fucking planet.”

 

“Shut up, at least – ah. Shut up,” he said, staring down at his hand. Akihiko led it to his own cock and waited for Shinji to do something, anything. The wait was cruel.

 

He almost snapped at him, but then Shinji’s fingers wrapped around his cock, thumb gliding over the tip, and Akihiko lost all coherency. Hell, he wasn’t one to jerk off regularly and Shinji’s skin felt … different in so many ways. Not as soft, healed cuts, a scar in the center of his hand that was currently pressed against the length of his throbbing cock.

 

“Don’t forget your part in this, ‘kay?!” Shinji licked his lips. “Fuck, please don’t.” His hips bucked into Akihiko’s hand.

 

“Yeah. Sure. Sorry.” He smiled, inclining his head. Embarrassment and lust were still equals in this battle, but he felt like lust would lose if he didn’t come up with a better strategy. And soon.

 

Shinji leaned forward with his whole body. He had to spread to his legs and Akihiko’s head exploded into heat when Shinji not only did that, but also pushed him, so he could sit on his lap. “’s that alright?” he asked, face the same color as his favorite coat.

 

“I. Yes.” He would be able to withstand Shinji’s weight for a while, Akihiko guessed, but not for however long this was going to take. He hooked his free hand under one of Shinji’s knees and pulled him even closer as he himself leaned back. Akihiko lifted Shinji’s thighs then, forcing him to seek support on the mattress instead of Akihiko’s legs. How easily he could be steered with a few nudges. Spread-legged and with enough room for Akihiko to move his legs, Shinji looked a bit like something Akihiko had – accidentally – once seen in a porn magazine.

 

Shinji lowered his head and let his lips fall onto Akihiko’s. “What’s your plan, making me lift my ass, huh?”

 

For a moment, his ability to speak disappeared. As if he’d never been taught Japanese – any language at all – ever. At first he gurgled a reply, then repeated it: “It’s going to be a surprise.”

 

Shinji scowled at him. “Tch.” He’d probably correctly read in Akihiko’s face that that was made-up.

 

After all, Akihiko had simply wanted to get rid of the pressure weighing down on his legs like a pile of lead. He would not let Shinji get away with that, though. Running his hand up Shinji’s thigh, never ceasing to slick Shinji’s cock with his own pre-cum, he cupped one ass cheek.

 

Now Shinji gurgled. Groaned? Akihiko kneaded the soft flesh under his hand and got another groan, darker in tone. Shinji’s lips quivered against his own and Akihiko took advantage of the momentary paralysis. His kiss went deep, forceful when Shinji resisted. The result was on his side. Shinji lay in his arms, shaking from the doubled caresses.

 

“Now, you don’t forget your part in this,” Akihiko said, pushing his cock into Shinji’s trembling, yet otherwise unmoving hand. He had to do it again before Shinji followed his order.

 

His fingertips were moist with Shinji’s pre-cum. He looked down and decided to swap hands. Dry and rather cold as it was, the other hand made Shinji flinch, but he settled down soon enough. Akihiko’s heart thumped inside his throat as he moved the stained hand into the crack of Shinji’s ass.

 

He didn’t chide him for freezing, nor for dodging at first. Hell, Akihiko felt like running away, how could he blame Shinji for his anxiety.

 

“If it’s … not good, just. Say something?” he offered, aiding the slickest finger to Shinji’s rear entrance. He had not expected to meet such resistance and hesitant as he was, he did get his fingertip inside.

 

It slipped out immediately. Shinji hissed. “Not good, fuckyoustupid…!”

 

“I’m trying, okay!” And on the next try, he succeeded. Well, at least half of his finger was held by strong muscles. He didn’t want to press on.

 

Shinji was dead silent. Only his harsh breathing echoed in Akihiko’s ears. Akihiko knew he wouldn’t be too shy to stop him. Silence wasn’t something new, though also not what he appreciated about Shinji’s personality.

With a slight angle to it, Akihiko pressed his fingers into the rippled walls. He jumped when Shinji reacted not much later, embracing him with one arm, jerking him off with more fervor than before. Even with the small amount of experience he had, Akihiko knew a good sign when he saw one. He kissed the corner of Shinji’s mouth, repeating the same pattern of strokes.

 

“Upper drawer,” Shinji drawled. “Aki.”

 

“What?” He’d heard him, but he didn’t stop. Shinji’s neck was perfectly aligned with his mouth and he could suckle on it all he wanted. It was too good to give it up just for a piece of furniture.

 

“Aki, dammit, Aki, Aki!” Shinji hit him with a fist to the shoulder blade that sent Akihiko’s nerves into a wail of searing pain.

 

It only lasted for a moment. He’d lived through worse attacks during his matches and besides, Shinji’s strength seemed to be limited thanks to the distractions. He was not distracted enough to forget his nightstand.

 

“Upper drawer!” Shinji leaned back, baring his flushed face and parted lips. His hair was a sweaty mess, stuck to his forehead and temples. “Come on.”

 

“Can’t reach like this.”

 

Shinji growled and narrowed his eyes. Akihiko was afraid Shinji would hit him again and braced himself. Instead, Shinji slowly descended, putting his elbow on the bed and sliding back. Without being asked to, Akihiko followed. His movements had slowed down, but not stopped.

 

Shinji turned his head towards the nightstand and stretched his arm to open the first drawer. There wasn’t much inside. A book in a foreign language – Spanish? – and an unopened package that Shinji took out. He ripped the thin plastic wrapping in two pieces. A small bottle and three condoms fell onto the bed next to Shinji’s face.

 

“Oh.” Akihiko withdrew his finger, earning another hiss. “Sorry.”

 

“Some shitty campaign for the street kids. Gave it to all of us. Safer sex lecture. Stuff.” Shinji focused on the folds in his cushion while explaining.

 

Akihiko nodded. “O-kay.” Why hadn’t Shinji told him that before? He knew the contents of the bottle well, although he’d never used it for sex. He’d never had sex, after all. But he figured that it would have been easier to fit his finger inside with a bit of ‘professional’ help.

 

“You never used it,” Akihiko said. “You …”

 

“Didn’t need it?” Shinji shrugged and pushed the bottle into Akihiko’s idle hand. “Comes in handy now, huh.”

 

“Yeah.” Akihiko wiped his hand on the blanket and flipped the lid open. The smell was no competition for Shinji’s Christmas cookies, but it was nice enough. He squeezed the bottle, blinking with wide eyes when it filled his whole hand. He looked at Shinji.

 

“Idiot.” Rolling his eyes, Shinji shifted and spread his legs somewhat more. He pushed one of the smaller cushions under his body and averted his eyes again. “You know what to do, right?” Shinji took one of the condoms and, fidgeting, rolled it over Akihiko’s cock.

 

It was warm, and thin, and Shinji’s touch tickled. He took Shinji’s hand, letting a good quarter of the lube fall into it. Then he dropped his hand. “You don’t have to accept that present if you don’t want to you know I could always get you something I mean now that I don’t have to save for new boxing gloves I could buy you something a new hat maybe but you like the old one so much …”

 

“Shut up!” Shinji’s hand wrapped around Akihiko’s cock, spreading the lube.

 

Akihiko gasped and thrust up into the gentle motion. “Yes, yes, okay.” His own hand was low enough to only require a twitch to be back on Shinji’s ass. This time, he slipped into him so fast he thought at first he might have missed. He pulled his finger back, realized that indeed it had worked, and entered again with two, smearing lube all over the entrance and rubbing it into the walls inside.

 

Shinji squirmed and gasped. He grabbed the mattress’s edge, muscles in his arm visibly strained. Down there, between his ass cheeks, he was dripping with lube. He let go of Akihiko’s cock, searching for something to crush under his grip.

 

The next was obvious, yet Akihiko hesitated. He pulled his fingers out of Shinji. He positioned himself between Shinji’s legs, holding his cock to the loosened, wet entrance. There was still time to decide that this was a bad idea. Had been a bad idea from the very beginning.

 

He searched Shinji’s eyes for some sort of recognition.

 

“Will you please fuck me now, you fucking cocktease!?”

 

Akihiko choked on his own spit. He nodded, pushing in, telling himself to go slow. But fuck did it work? As soon as the tip was seated, his urges overtook him and he thrust himself as deep inside as possible. His balls slapped against Shinji’s ass.

 

Shinji cringed, eyes watering. “Fuck you! I’m not one of your fangirls, but can you be a bit more gentle?”

 

“Sorry, sorry!” He was sure Shinji didn’t appreciate it when he kissed his nose, but he did. “I’m sorry, it’s just.” He felt Shinji grab his hips, leading the way.

 

Shinji set for a slow, subdued rhythm. He wouldn’t let him dive in to the brim, but surprisingly, he held Akihiko’s gaze. “There. That’s good. Really fucking good.”

 

It was. Akihiko moaned each time the tip of his cock met firm, muscled skin. He trembled, but so did Shinji. At least he wasn’t quite as vocal as the other. Shinji groaned, gasped and insulted the heavens without remorse. It was loud enough that Akihiko had to slap his hand over Shinji’s mouth once, hearing a knock on the door and Aigis inquire if everything was alright.

 

Shinji licked the inside of his hand when they could no longer hear Aigis metallic footsteps. Akihiko snorted, pulling it away to tug on Shinji’s hair. By now it was damp, but that had to be expected when both their bodies were slippery from all their sweating.

 

“Let go,” Akihiko said, feeling Shinji’s hand twitch more than aid.

 

Shinji simply did, wrapping his arms around Akihiko’s shoulders, breathing steaming hot air into his face. “… ‘s okay if. Faster. Yeah?”

 

He’d learned from before and picked up speed over time until he was pounding Shinji in desperation. His cock was aching and from the looks of it, so was Shinji’s. The lube produced a wet sound each time Akihiko slapped against Shinji’s ass with force. It rung in his ears much like Shinji’s cries that degenerated into mewls.

 

His shoulder burned; Shinji had scratched him. Cum leaked out of Shinji’s convulsing body. It was not long after that Akihiko’s vision blurred and his own body stiffened.

 

Soon, he fell asleep on top of a shuddering Shinji.

 

*

 

The bed was empty right next to him. Akihiko was holding onto a bunched-up blanket instead of the person he’d thought of seconds before waking. He couldn’t say he was surprised. Shinji had left and who knew where to. Maybe he’d left the dorm for good now. It didn’t sound very likely, what with them sharing the night the way they had, but he knew better than not to suspect Shinji to make a run for it. They had gotten too close yesterday. Akihiko had scared him away.

 

A quiet creak and the smell of coffee and pastry distracted him. He rolled onto his back and blinked. Shinji closed the door, carrying a tray with two mugs and a plate with a heap of cookies on top of it.

 

Akihiko let him set the tray down on the nightstand. Then he refused to hold back and grabbed a handful of Shinji’s hair and pressed their lips together. He skidded back to the wall and made room for Shinji who stumbled back into bed. Akihiko draped the blanket over him and watched with a too-big smile as Shinji handed him the coffee mug, a cookie stuck between his teeth.

 

The coffee was searing hot. He blew the steam into Shinji’s face.

 

Shinji squinted and rubbed his eyes. “Stop that.”

 

“Sorry.” He was so happy he felt like bursting into cookie crumbs. “Anyone awake yet?”

 

“Koromaru wanted breakfast and Aigis caught me, but everyone else seems to be fast asleep.”

 

“She caught you?”

 

“Demanded to know what I was doing in the kitchen.” Shinji chuckled and dipped another cookie into the heavy cream of his coffee. “Told her to fuck off.”

 

“You didn’t.” Akihiko cringed, holding back a laugh.

 

“I did. She explained to me what ‘fucking’ means.”

 

Akihiko’s ears burned. “What did you tell her?”

 

“That I have first-hand experience with that.” His eyes glistened. He pushed the cookie against Akihiko’s lips.

 

“You do.” Akihiko opened his mouth, licking the cream off before biting off a good chunk.

 

“She went back to… I don’t know. Guess Minato’s room?”

 

Akihiko nodded and sipped at the coffee. Still hot and he had probably just burned his tongue a bit, but it tasted amazing. Shinji couldn’t just cook like a chef. Well, he’d proved to have many talents. Akihiko hid his blush behind the ever-rising steam and sighed contentedly. This morning couldn’t get any better, he thought.

 

“Want another cookie?”

 

Shinji offered him the whole plate and Akihiko nodded, picking a few of those he liked best. Shinji did the same and put the plate away, his hands full of marmalade and chocolate covered cookies. He did have a fondness for sugar.

 

Akihiko filed that away for the next chance he got to buy Shinji a present. Now that he didn’t have to save money for new gloves he’d have enough to give Shinji something in return. Shinji seemed happy enough with getting Akihiko’s body for Christmas, but gloves and sex just couldn’t be compared.

 

Boxing gloves were way more awesome than fucking. Though fucking Shinji came dangerously close.

 

He wasn’t quite sure of the look Shinji gave him. A speck of marmalade clung to the corner of Shinji’s mouth and Akihiko leaned down to lick it away. He closed his eyes and sighed, bathing in Shinji’s earthy scent.

 

“Lie down,” Shinji whispered. He nudged his shoulder and Akihiko was happy to yield under the light pressure. He watched as Shinji reached over him and got the mug, a sly grin on his face. “Don’t ask.”

 

The spoon floated  over his lips for a moment. Akihiko moved his tongue out to get a taste, but withdrew it quickly. It was hot. He took a deep breath as Shinji lowered the spoon to his skin.

 

Shinji ran the spoon over his chest, creating a circular pattern spiraling towards his bellybutton. The frothy milk burned on his skin with the cool metal always brushing over it before, but Shinji’s tongue soothed the pain, following the trail of froth, dipping into the filled bellybutton once. He picked the mug up and produced more of the froth to spread on Akihiko’s body.

 

Akihiko couldn’t control his breathing any longer. His chest jumped when the pressure of tongue to skin increased and whimpered when Shinji barely touched him. He took hold of the cushion with one hand, the other one grasping the edge of the mattress knuckle-whiteningly hard.

 

Then Shinji discarded his boxers. Akihiko bit his lips, but that couldn’t prevent moaning. Shinji had filled the spoon again. Hot milk dribbled over his half-hard cock. Akihiko watched, mesmerized as Shinji’s mouth closed around it.

 

He pushed his hips into the bed, didn’t want to fuck Shinji’s mouth and make him gag, but oh it was tempting. The longer and stronger Shinji sucked, the more his urge to shove his cock deep into Shinji’s throat took over.

 

Whatever he kept babbling, it was probably along the lines of “fuck” and other curses, but it all blurred together. Tongue swirling over the tip of his cock, Shinji’s tongue, Shinji’s mouth on him, Shinji’s head bobbing up and down between his legs.

 

There were no curses when he was coming. What was left was the only word on his lips that belonged there.

 

He was still jerking involuntarily when Shinji slipped back next to his side.

 

“Where did you learn that?” Akihiko lay there panting heavily, content with the world and its turnings. He took the kiss he received with a grain of salt. Shinji pulled away too quickly.

 

“There was a time I didn’t know origami could get you money.”

 

Realization was a cruel thing. Akihiko pulled him into a hug tight enough to crush. Shinji’s head dropped into the crook of his neck. He could see the weight falling off, feel it in the way Shinji’s muscles relaxed and his shoulders softened.

 

“I love you, you unspeakable idiot.”

 

Shallow but heavy breathing, Shinji’s body pliant in the embrace – Akihiko swallowed his anxiety. Shinji had never displayed his own vulnerability openly. Akihiko needed to be all over him, and he needed it now.

 

Not much was necessary. Nudges, whispered orders. And that was that.

 

*

 

When it was time for the first visit to Tartarus in the New Year, everyone was in for a surprise. Fuuka, chained to bed due to a fever, couldn’t provide support for them. They had decided that it would be alright to let Shinji do it instead even though his Persona had always been the obvious combat type.

 

Shinji held the Evoker to his temples and pulled the trigger. His Persona emerged. It wasn’t Castor. Shinji ducked away behind Akihiko, feet shuffling awkwardly so as not to make a sound as even Mitsuru couldn’t hold back her laughter.

 

Shinji’s new Persona was beautiful. Her long black hair framed a perfect face. Her ancient make-up technique made her look like a painting. Over her open hands hovered a book covered in hieroglyphs. Her sonorous voice echoed through the ground level of Tartarus, informing them that there was indeed a lone Shadow crawling around the fourth floor.

 

Junpei was, unfortunately, the first to regain the ability to speak. He grinned. “Cleopatra had a child with Caesar, did you know that?”

 

Shinji shot Junpei a death glare of grandeur. Akihiko cleared his throat and kept Shinji at bay with his elbow. It wouldn’t do any good to leave Junpei with broken bones before they had even started tonight’s tour.

 

His ears felt increasingly hotter. “We should go now,” he said.

 

Mitsuru nodded and turned to their leader. “Arisato-kun?”

 

“Yes.” Out of the six present SEES members, he picked Mitsuru, Junpei, and Akihiko. Minato chose him with the words: “Cleopatra can be trusted when the father of her child is with us.”

 

And that was when Cleopatra violently shut her book. She looked at Shinji whose complexion matched that of a ripe tomato. Akihiko smirked helplessly, fully aware that Shinji wasn’t just embarrassed, but probably also ready to start a fight. His own voice felt fragile enough that he didn’t dare try to defend either of them.

 

“You know, maybe I should stay here,” Akihiko said.

 

“No,” Cleopatra said. “The Shadow’s weakness is electricity. Caesar will bring it down easily.”

 

Maybe it was just a hallucination, but for a second there Akihiko was sure she had winked at him. He nodded, glancing at Shinji again. A bad idea. Shinji’s mood had gotten even fouler with his Persona’s statement. He had turned around and was feeding Koromaru self-made snacks. Normally, Akihiko liked watching Shinji play with a dog. To have one of these rare moments when Shinji let his guard down was always a highlight.

 

Right then, his guard was very much up.

 

Akihiko sighed and strolled up the staircase. “Won’t take too long.” He waited at the top step and looked back down at the ones who would remain in the entrance hall.

 

Junpei waved. “Yeah, you better come back soon or your wife will kick your ass!”

 

“Junpei. Shut up.” Shinji took a step forward.

 

Cleopatra flipped her book open again. “I’d recommend taking this advice. I do know Agidyne.”

 

Junpei’s gaping was very much visible from far away. “Holy shit, you wouldn’t use that on your teammate, would you!?”

 

“Don’t make me?” Shinji crossed his arms, leaning into the nearest wall. “Seriously, don’t.”

 

Junpei groaned. “Nah, ‘course I won’t. We’re friends, right?”

 

While he couldn’t see Shinji’s face, Akihiko could feel the temperature drop and it surely wasn’t Mitsuru’s doing. When Shinji spoke, his voice was grave: “Friends help each other mature.”

 

Akihiko chuckled, Mitsuru coming to a halt next to his side with a slight smirk playing about her lips, and Minato opening the door to the first floor.

 

Life wasn’t so bad.


End file.
